sowhatifiseethesunshine, in the pouring rain?

2012-01-20T23:37:00.000+08:00

Joy, unspeakable joy

Somehow or rather, things start to be looking up. Strangely it all seems to be better when you are brutally honest & finally get the chance to open up..

Not so strange after all, considering how God works

2012-01-11T23:07:00.003+08:00

the series of events today seem..rather timely & God-planned (though it would be outright cynical to say that they were artificially engineered..)

talk over lunch with joy..

my doubts & feelings of hypocricy

and then the leadership succession

and keenly awaited stock-take next tuesday (really thankful for this-seemed they could read my mind)

= the topic of spiritual sensitivity & sensing

side notes about india yep:

one special reason why i enjoyed it so much and looks different from YEPs was due to the.. nature of fun we had- pure innocent fun unaided by alcohol or any other similar forms..

2012-01-08T21:56:00.001+08:00

for many Sundays, i've been getting the feeling that

i'm living a lie

..just waiting to be exposed & found out sooner or later

2012-01-07T23:33:00.002+08:00

a slightly overdue summary of 2011's highlights before the details get hazy..

A year of many firsts & many decisions..

1. a step of faith when i embarked on my journey as Social Work Major in August

- thank God for a warm cozy class size of 17

2. being offered and turning down

- a BS position

- SEP last-resort choice

- NCSS scholarship

(still trying to learn the art of decision making & shutting voices out)

3. learning Malay!!

4.amazing India YEP

5.1st proper item as a choir team!

6. first time being so reliant on maps for my 3month livelihood..

(during which i saw the other side of my country- one room flats, foreigners, ministry dealings..)

7. getting all fired up about GE and PE- learning my rights as a citizen

8. got acquainted with some foreign friends & pondered upon my relative lack of independence

- hence the repeated surfacing of my desire to 'differentiate'

9.super mugging reading wk @ Utown

10. trying to reconcile my faith with SW values & the poverty, injustice of this world

- still finding the reality of God & the supernatural (is it just me or is it God?)

11. marked one year as a certified driver (who still sucks at parking)

2012 you're in God's hands

2012-01-01T15:24:00.003+08:00

it's 2012! which mean i'd be turning twenty-one- something i don't exactly look forward to, but in some ways i hope it quickly comes & goes..

the relative lack of excitement probably boils down to this problem/internal conflict/secret struggle i've been bugged with in recent years, specifically on sundays

where the need for independence, differentiation & integration lol surfaces so strongly

sometimes leaving you so feeling so guilty and hypocritical when these needs hinder your ability to reach God.. and more so especially after you've been singing-on-duty

..when you're meant to be a leader who reaches out, who's spirit-filled..

when you are ____'s kid but you totally do not feel like taking ownership of this supposed mantle upon you.

ok so back to the key topic-

after-church routines were fine when you were still sweet16 but when you hit 20, it hits you then you ARE 20. it's time to leave the nest, get out of the car.. develop some boundaries & independence.

twenty-one this year, so i think i'd have to try

its pretty much a do-or-die situation i believe.. :/

2011-12-26T01:21:00.002+08:00

sometimes i get really scared of the future, scared of myself and what i foresee myself becoming, scared of who i am..scared of taking the first step

there have been countless times i've avoided a situation, ran away from fears & feelings..

(one of which was going to India- a perfect chance that allowed me some 'differentiation' from my _____ and church in general, but but which turned out to be an immensely beneficial trip)

and sometimes fear boils up and expresses itself as frustration and utter defensiveness..

what can one do with things that concern your life and future?

i believe God makes things work but i feel that i've exhausted the prayer card long agoooooo.

2011-09-30T11:55:00.002+08:00

i've come to realise,after lessons on Lifespan,family cycles & observation from friends, that i've lived a strangely different life,too smooth sailing to be exact. Not because i had some extraordinary talent/psychic ability/maturity beyond my years that set me apart from my peers.
Its just that... i've never really went through a phase of of teenage angst, craving for independence and being defiant towards my parents. Sure, there were definitely times in my life when i felt misunderstood, frustrated and confused and instances where i upset my parents (and vice versa)..and the list goes on. But,
my repeated encounters with Erikson's stages of dvpt (thanks NUS) presented many questions for me. Have i actually resolved & moved on from the supposed adolescent stage of Identity vs. Role Confusion? Was there even such a stage in my life? or rather, am i even there yet? (which i think that by typing this out, i've just arrived there) I never really had problems with 'identity' per se. I mean there was never a doubt of me being my parent's daughter. the pastor's kid. the hardworking student. part of a loving perfect family. But at the age of 20, i'm finally beginning to question- who am I as in individual, apart from my parents? in church, its really easy to just live on & assume roles which your parents have- after all its just so natural that you 'carry on your parent's legacy', that you model yourself after these Godly individuals 'who also went to NUS'. that you be totally sold out to church activities such that you're shut out to the evils of this world
And maybe even in school, who am i apart from my friends? is there smth real and special about me that doesn't depend on who my friends are? that allows me to be someone different amidst all the sea of faces & the comfort of the crowd? that compels me to Take The Lead and not just follow?
Do i really have my own values and passions or were they derived from someone else? Am i ready to live a life that's a part, and not enmeshed in my family?
I'm glad i've come to this realisation which thankfully isn't too late. But yet it poses me with more questions. Is this yielding to my own self will- going to YEP over Empower, wanting to go on Exchange.. or is it a perfectly normal and healthy stage i'm embarking on?

2011-08-21T23:58:00.001+08:00

Song of the day: the potter’s hand (which I coincidentally chose for Bmusic presentation) & which aptly describes my current state

Receiving news about joining the main BS- feelings of apprehension arise once again, never felt them so strong before, not even when I had to decide my major. Well, as with all new responsibilities & journeys into uncharted territory, comes fear. I’m not even sure how to begin/continue/conclude what I’m feeling right now, but the top few concerns lurking were

- An extra Wed taken up (means all Wed are spent in church, as with virtually all Fridays & Sat)

-the meeting reminded me of a PAP succession planning meeting (except it was prob a little bit overdue, judging by PAP’s usual standards)

- ok I was half-kidding BUT BUT personally, with your father leading the meeting & sharing, you feel like you’re part of a political dynasty/ propagating neopotism & what nots (ok I kid, I kid) I’m guessing Pastor’s kids may get what I’m feeling.. like having this burden to carry on your parent’s good work, yet worrying about having to prove your worth & not be seen as riding on coat-tails.. ( though no one may actually be thinking that way)

- being thrown further in the deep sea that I feel I’m in now, with no feedback, no progress charting & no clear direction of where I’m heading (ok sorry I should actually be asking God) but as they mentioned, it has got to be more.. INTENTIONAL and HONEST ( cos I wonder when they say the pastors have approved, if they even really know & discuss what we have been/ have not/ cannot/ do or done)because though it seems like a ‘natural transition’ after 2years, time doesn’t prove anything..

- last but not least, the “send someone else” syndrome. Indeed, there are so many more others who aren’t PK’s but who seem tons better & better able to take on this position.. not comparing here but I really think these ppl should be given some platform?

Still, when the call of God comes, one should never run from it

2. On a side-note HM2 today was good, in a different sense.. .especially for someone who’s always checking back to plans & past discussions. I admit I was initially quite indignant that my tediously typed-out notes were not used very much :/ and the msg didn’t seem to have much any inkling of our discussed version.. But somehow I found myself being drawn to gems of truth that were so apparent, simple to me, but weren’t yet reality… (Receiving rather than Earning, just to cite one example)

And I thank God that the word was really down-to-earth (and not some lofty theological session).. Realistic & applicable for the youths, (rather than just a watered down/condensed version of YA’s sharing on Pst Romero’s msg) And I truly have to repent for being sceptical & tuned-out initially.

I guess God really works in mysterious ways, beyond what we can imagine.

2011-06-11T10:25:00.002+08:00

regrets, if-onlys, moments which come back to haunt us..

sure everyone has their fair share of these- i realised i've accumulated quite a pretty amount myself.

if only i had studied harder

OR maybe if only i had NOT cared about studying so much

if only i had been more proactive in council

or maybe, if only i hadn't joined it in the first place

if only i could have been less caught up with the admin of GB Rec

such are the times you just do not want to relieve, despite having learnt much from them, on hindsight

Or even,

simple decisions or steps of faith you just refused to take

repeated brushing away of the urge to reach out & talk to someone

being too self-conscious to give up your seat to someone

not standing firm in what i believe in (or sometimes trying to be too argumentative for the sake of it)

being too skeptical and judgmental (when sometimes i can even trust something so blindly)

& then there are the those things that you see unfolding, as a consequence of your actions (or lack of it)

hi-bye-smile friends who used to be close

desperate desire for God to be made even more real

uncertainty of what my immediate future holds

maybe i've just mostly failed at putting my words into actions?

2011-05-27T15:02:00.003+08:00

GE2011

Never thought i'd be so excited and fired up about Singapore politics. I for one, have never been involved in any RC/ GRO activities, much less belong to any party. Yet, I've never considered myself to be politically apathetic- after all, I read the newspapers almost daily.. I knew my MPs (though I've yet to personally say Hi to any of them), the ministers, and even some members of the Opposition parties. Through my secondary school years, I relied on the ST as my trusted source of political info, insights and updates, which further piqued my interest in local politics. GE2006 painted a picture of opposition being far from the PAP's match; paling in terms of qualifications, tainted with scandals, lawsuits, police cases ..(ok, mostly with regard to SDP). Yet, some GP talk I attended at AC presented me with a new perspective. I rmb hearing some guy from TheOnlineCitizen talking about mass media in SG, and the rise of alternative new media. Out of curiosity, I began to follow TOC & was impressed by its thought-provoking yet balanced take on issues that were not covered by the MSM. Henceforth, I am glad to say that my political awareness has sharpened, and i've learnt not to simply accept information at face-value. I must add that taking SSA2209 as my SS also gave me a glimpse into the somewhat unfair playing field of SG politics, the PAP- inclined media reporting, and poor portrayal of the opposition. For the record, after reading various online sources,i've heard opposition members who are extremely capable and have noteworthy takes on policies. The ruling party's obsession with filing lawsuits, firing accusations against opposition figures still irks me. After all aren't we all Singaporeans first?

As an undergraduate who may have to vote in 5years time (provided there are no walkovers), I sense the strong importance of being an informed voter; one who does not simply vote for white-on white because of their proven track record( frankly this phrase feels like a broken record playing on & on); neither do I want to be an anti-government citizen who votes any Tom Dick Harry from the Opposition.To me, voting is a right that every citizen possesses. As much as you must 'vote responsibly and ensure no freak election result occurs', I disagree that voting responsibly = voting the PAP. Yes, we indeed ought to be grateful & give credit to the PAP's excellent work all these years. Yet, I feel that gratitude does not necessitate my vote. Neither do I agree that voting an opposition party equates to unpatriotic and ungrateful behaviour. On the contrary, I feel that if an opposition party has proven its worth & is ultimately pro-singapore, why not give it a chance? As Singapore moves forward after GE2011, I'm glad that we have a stronger-than before opposition presence in parliament (albeit minimal). To a young Singaporean, having a PAP dominated parliament just doesn't cut it come to think of it. To have a single party in absolute power quite scares me, no matter how uncorrupt, trustworthy and capable they seem to be. To trust the ruling party to 'change from within' is also unrealistic, despite the flurry of radical changes witnessed so far. Instead, I believe that a credible opposition who is willing to work with the govt would be the best push for 'change', a win-win situation for us Singaporeans.

I have never felt more Singaporean & I am excited to take ownership of whatever responsibilites lie ahead. i.e Going for NDP 2011 for a start (:

2011-03-17T23:42:00.001+08:00

Never felt like I wanted something so much, but then again still afraid if the passion's just temporal..

Part of me's still unsure about myself (indeed, introspection isn't the best method!) & uncertain if I'm really cut out for it. Hoping its not because the grass seems greener "on the other side" … hoping that the signs aren't really just signs, but confirmations. Sometimes, a leap of faith is really what you need.

2011-03-02T22:19:00.001+08:00

): same mistakes againnnn, wish the carelessness bug would just go

2011-01-29T08:18:00.001+08:00

Never new Microsoft could be used for blogging.helllllllooooo

2011-01-26T23:49:00.003+08:00

there are weeks that go really well- much motivation & optimism

"i can conquer the world"

"keep someone entertained"

"reach out to those in need"

"walk in the spirit"

"take the step of faith"

"venture to the unknown"

yet there are of course, the disappointing days when failure creeps in

Thank God, today was great.. and somehow school isn't such a drag

Living victoriously,

2011-01-17T10:07:00.003+08:00

thank God i'm healed

thank God i'm slowly beating the ZZzzz monster

& much more, but somehow i feel my life is reaching a plateau

no breakthroughs, no excitement or passion, still very much in-the-background

procrastination & doubts, regrets...

yet, i have faith in a greater Hope.

2010-12-19T16:15:00.002+08:00

19 (dreading to go on to 20!)

-still stuck with juvenile PR & EQ levelsss

-feeling like i don't belong(or maybe have never belonged) in______anymore

-speculating what the future holds for me

2010-12-16T20:54:00.000+08:00

i need to find something to be passionate about

what did i miss out on?

2010-11-20T19:22:00.002+08:00

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"

2010-11-10T12:03:00.002+08:00

Jesus please help me to focusssss, thank you(which means getting away from here haha)

eph 3:20 now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

2010-11-09T18:19:00.002+08:00

oh man this really made me laugh when i read my really old blog posts.. but i really do miss those times:( haha some excerpts of my colourful sec2 life

1. today was when i had my first lesson. so many ppl wear braces!the girls i tink sian.. fion.. the new girl. and me. the new girl has the same watch as ME!! ahah. should i go fer drama on wed? i have tuition. how? hiyah. LET ME OFF!

new girl = tan shusze!!

2.super perfectionist : but it really pained me when i saw this big A2 smack right beside my name. all my life, (k not quite, this year only..) math was all about a1s, or even 80+s. it was a breeze,frankly speaking.we made it thryu every test. but when i got to this part of the year, this perfect sky crashed on me.

3. MY PIE FAM!! came back from lit + eng project(jocelyn's hse) it was kinda fun i guess. did a bit more thn the last time we went. hahas. thn joy left earl. lol. soo MEAN eh. we' chased' her out. jk. we did the posts.. mindmap blahh. goshh. my group members are just soo mean man!! thn we had lunch lah.. erm. thn we continued. but aiwee and caleb went crazy. hahass. as usual.. n we ended up having a 'violent' debate about how life came about. if God was real. well, guess its true. we shouldn't go round pushing our beliefs on others.

2010-10-25T11:59:00.001+08:00

Blessed - Psalms 84
v4Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
Selah

v⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
v⁷ They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.

v10Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.

new favourite psalm (:

2010-10-10T16:06:00.002+08:00

Take home points on a Sunny Sunday
1.the irony and complexities of intra church relations
-lack of social support among men
-stuck in the middle age groups
-gone with the wind people
-out of your league individuals

2.Denominational differences
-bible misinterpretations
-blinded eyes
-touchy issues on the Holy spirit

hahahaha enough for me to write a thesis/journal or sorts

2010-10-05T00:32:00.003+08:00

Never really felt this strong about the various denominational beliefs..but

open their eyes, dear God. how can anyone be so blind to joel 2:28?

"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions."

2010-08-20T09:45:00.000+08:00

help me- not to delight in the security of slavery,but to be drawn to the risk of faith

2010-08-16T10:15:00.001+08:00

whom have i in heaven but you?

there's none i desire besides you

2010-06-16T21:00:00.002+08:00

Sometimes we preach so much about being different from the world..

but in actual fact, it never really shows up in our actions

ughhhh what is so wrong with me?

never gets easier than learning on the job and still trying to be a step ahead

2010-06-13T16:48:00.000+08:00

living a lie..its this really it?

2010-04-08T11:43:00.002+08:00

In the battles Lord
You are my peace
When I'm broken Lord
You're my strength
You're my love
You're my life
You're my joy
My song in the night

2010-03-31T11:09:00.004+08:00

All my delight is in You Lord

 All of my hope

 All of my strength

All my delight is in You Lord

Forever more

2010-02-06T10:44:00.001+08:00

how beautiful is your Unfailing Love

2010-01-03T17:19:00.000+08:00

ughhh sick of everything

blow the Sundays awayyyy

2009-09-19T17:36:00.001+08:00

urghhhhh it never felt so bad before,
with "for the first time" grades like ccdu
God hellpppp mmeee :(

2009-09-17T18:01:00.000+08:00

i think hospitals are really cool places!
big and so busy busy
(: Thank God its Friday(tmr).

2009-08-23T19:36:00.000+08:00

ugghh i hate feeling this way. red nosed and frustrated. lots of doubts and questions.can't seem to be "that way"
God is near but why does he feel so farrrrrr :(

2009-07-10T21:41:00.001+08:00

2nd successful attempt at jogging to Great World City( stopping just before it) thank God for renewed stamina and strength
And and a renewed mind, to think only His thoughts, regardless of how dispensable, forgotten,worthless and lousy you may feel :(
(:

2009-07-05T23:55:00.002+08:00

friday was one of the first times i actually enjoyed the jogging/running process. bye bye lack of breath & hello to nice evening breezes.
amazingly, the run was also quite a stress reliever and mood lifter..
oh yes and a respite from those same feelings and disappointments :(

well on a slightly (: note, sundae gave sunday a rather good ending though i was rather non-active hahhaa.
As always, thank you God.

2009-05-06T21:22:00.001+08:00

"All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship."

2009-05-05T16:46:00.001+08:00

though its one short of a gold,
thank you God for everyth (:
finalllllly over. but should i try again?

2009-04-23T19:47:00.002+08:00

sometimes you just don't know why..
you feel so "neither here nor there"
you can feel alone amidst the noise&fun
you burn your thumb :( &
can't do enough IPUs :( !!

2009-03-14T11:45:00.001+08:00

am i good enough? this shouldn't be my question, i know.
but i really really wonder, why can't i
be like _________, do________
even when i want to, or i try to.

2009-02-14T20:29:00.001+08:00

orientation really just flew by, but i'm sure we left a legACy.
that pretty much sums up th 4 1/2 days of fun fun fun (:
& now i'm also sure about one thing
i'm stuck with a huggggge pile of work to catch up on :(

2009-01-30T18:16:00.002+08:00

first 3 weeks in school have been good, thanks God
and i think i 'm gonna miss what i had in those 10+ days
empty toilets/void deck/canteen
lots of space
relatively relaxed pace of things
PRE orientation prep (:
CNY celebrations (boohoo there's nth much to look forward to anymore)
sightings of backpacks(now i have to wait v long for stock to come again)
TGIF, but i can't wait for next wk!!

2009-01-02T11:20:00.002+08:00

lets count the post promos flicks that i caught
connected,HSM,bolt,cape no. 7,twilight, australia
ok 6 isn't a big number, but considering how i'm not a frequent cinema goer,it is quite a lot!

well well 09's here and i think its gonna be a tough year.
with many many changes,decisions and choices.
with new opportunities seasons chances to
serve love give in greater measures..

2008-12-14T20:46:00.002+08:00

it just keeps coming, repeating, going.. like they'd never come back again.
don't want to keep feeling this way
countless promises & resolutions never really seem to work out.
i need.
TO TALK.

2008-11-25T11:01:00.003+08:00

yes its been one week.
without proper reception(we had to walk out to the gravel road and find the lucky spot!)
fishing rafting swimming at the waterfall night trekking
teaching playing with the kids
forming new friendships
singing and laughing at the teachers Mr Isaac and Ms Candi(!!)
pulling thru good and bad times with the group.
sharing repellent and mopiko, squeezing on the open top car/front seat
awkward moments, and hilarious ones
insects weird creatures, funny smells,cold showers,lovely night sky
wonderful food and hosts
last minute attempts to shop & act like tourists.

these, i'd miss. (:

2008-11-15T17:31:00.001+08:00

stef's away :( till the 26th
i'll be away till 24th :( mixed feelings.'
AND gracie will be all alone. awww
can't wait till i make the next post, approx >1wk later. (:

2008-11-08T21:44:00.002+08:00

soldout 2 was good in a different way.. prob due to the really engaging/challenging message. i've heard msgs on this same topic many many times, but it somehow only fell into place ytd. like how we ask for Fire, but aren't really aware if we're willing to let the flames "remove impurities" and "heat us up". I guess its really all up to me ( and God) now, to Change.

2x a week jogs+ outdoor gym sessions seem rather alright actually. think i'm willing to push it to 3. why? for the muscles and endorphine. i'd very much rather play badminton/ball games/swim (:

2008-10-28T22:42:00.002+08:00

yup, so the 4H2s are here to stay. guess i gotta do smth bout Math though :(
anw, the past few days have been rather boorrring and lazy. trying to read more books, do vocab book & PW. and did i mention TV and movies like HSM? hahaha.
today was quite a happy day- lunch with the PW mates, walking fr holland to school, then resting at some random park to practise OP, getting good feedback bout the whole ppt..
And heading to queensway to get new running shoes. i guess i can't hide from nikes- just hope this new nice green white pair would last.
(:

2008-10-12T22:19:00.002+08:00

brave little julia took the first step today.
Alone(well, kinda)
to HortPark & Vivo
sounds very un-brave (and a little too late)
but as they say better late than never right?
and it wasn't bad at all, just the occasional weird "kiddy" feelings
yayyyyyy, are we game for more?

2008-10-03T20:01:00.002+08:00

i'm feeeeling good, i mean blue
drive the promos away, really.
sorry for blowing hot/cold. i can't help it :(

2008-08-31T19:28:00.002+08:00

i want i want i want to go cycling/blading. but i guess sometimes i have to prioritise, and know that i'm just the type who needs lots of time. So, i guess i'd choose thursday then (:
1 year and whatever happened to the BIG guitar tennis etc etc aspirations!! guess we'd have to wait till Promos and OCip Sarawark ends.

Redeemer, Saviour, Friend.

2008-08-13T18:19:00.002+08:00

just when you think you've got it all figured out,
everyone else has too- just not you.
when you think you've tried enough,
try again, and again and again.
though nothing seems to be moving, &doubt is slowly gripping..
I think i'd trust His hand, and just keep going.

less than desirable Biotest,and prob Chemtest results :(
in a class like mine..yeah its reaally bad.
guess it kinda spurs you on..
but then again, i think i'm really more- than- bad,
because its not like i have lots of SGC material to make up for these losses.
arghhh.

2008-08-01T21:54:00.002+08:00

gone with the wind (&this week)

1.shock from the shot-out ethanol mixture
2.gp files
3.walking quite a bit just to take bus33
4.potentially-bare sdp
5.subway cookies
6. unappreciation, fear, doubts,
7. integration and potato pieces.
8.fdd full dress with a purple dress

2008-07-26T18:56:00.004+08:00

i'm reallllly sad. three times and still no dress!! perhaps i'm too picky, but nothing seems to fit or look good on me :( nice time with jasmine though, and maybe such times teach me the beauty of church friends, though i may not always feel the love. (:
on a lighter note, repeating games instructions 7x in the morning to p-school kids was quite fun. glad i went, though i hard trouble waking up in the morning. free lunch plus free shirtmade it better too!

back to five more gp articles, SPA/test revision,intergration and PeeeeW

2008-07-11T22:02:00.002+08:00

seems like all my posts are not exactly very uplifting!! prolly cause i always type here when i don't feel happy glad joyful. oh well, great way to think and reflect i guess?
sometimes, i just wish i could be
a better friend, who's able to give all my time and love
a "holier" nicer church member instead of a lazy drifter
someone who has a strong passion, someone who Dreams Big. someone with a stronger will.

somebody to lean on.

2008-07-01T20:34:00.003+08:00

yay aiweeee is back, and her new way of talking is coool. so AC is what i've achieved in econs/chem. chem mcq was bad. not that i'm not relieved- i am, but just can't help feeling small amongst the As and all.oh yes i think i should take my father's advice, and "run your own race"
ahhh studies aside, the previous weeks in church/office have been rather trying. trying to be a nicer smilier more open person to "young adults"whom i've seen all my life but don't quite know or feel very happy happy comfortable with. yes yes its just me(typing strangely), and not wanting to grow up. & how i want to find people less perfect .i know God's been helping, and all's left is for me to take the first step. but it really isn't easy; sweeping away the years of silence+ frowns+lack of good conversations. oh my. actually, life isn't really that complex, trust me to really colour and spice it up. sunny school days are bright and gay- ironically what keeps me going.

2008-06-17T17:38:00.002+08:00

shopping with a grandma who has one cupboard full of clothes, bags, shoes = funny, and quite fun. especially when she exclaims, "seeing you all buy so many things makes me want to get smth to" AND then, gets a nike pencil case (: yesterday was a good,but rather undeserved break from the books. i need more time, and focus focus. holidays are not a good time for studying.. with PW and everything else like GSS and wants for more shoes/bags. but i thank God i'm almost there(i hope). and i guess i'm over the whining, grumbling and blaming phase. its actually up to me to change. interestingly, chancing upon Wendy's blog was kind of an encouragement for me to let go and let God!

2008-06-07T17:18:00.002+08:00

its finally goodbye to 541 in federal hotel KL(which was quite old, so its not really a sad goodbye!)This time the 4/5 days kinda left me in a daze, and before i knew it, it was over. not particularly exciting, cept for the usual treasure hunt, which was good- with super funny claudia, talkative little elias.. (: Of course there was the shopping around bukit bintang- quite a few good buys! plus eating at the roadside stalls.. and the FeedYourself sessions. This camp was sort of an indication that i need MORE of the spirit & MORE company. it really gets boring and discouraging to always face the same few people-whom i love dearly.. haha. Ok, maybe its Me me me again. what is wronnnng. always this feeling of wanting to,but not knowing how to. looking back to the past and not knowing how to love those same people.do we all even feel this way?
Dear God its been x years, and i know you're there.
but what are you teaching me? or maybe, please change me.

meanwhile, its back to the booookss

2008-05-14T18:47:00.002+08:00

as usual, (when has it ever been different?) its been long. well well, can't say that i've been BUUSSY cause i haven't really been. apart from the choir practices for DVM.. teaching small (sometimes) abusive kids..tests homework, 1 bday celebration.. life's pretty good. oh and apart from the fact that i'm really lost& asleep during chem/bio lectures..despite being a self proclaimed slacker with hardly any tough trngs. what is wrrrooong with me- somehow i feel i need more, more than this.
its been five months, ac life's fun, but i'm still missing yellow and blue days, roundtable times recesses

2008-04-13T00:19:00.002+08:00

ugh yet another day gone.
stuck with econs and loads of gp articles
and and.. and
plus the mention of chem SPA sends me into (half) a frenzy.
life always has its lighter moments though.
like the simple but lovely birthday cake..
nice wishes hugs and kisses
funny action songs
timhughes/planetshakers..
sleep
and amazingly soccer (:

2008-03-14T17:58:00.001+08:00

love hate feelings towards this tendollar haircut
ooohs &arghhhs

2008-03-04T19:14:00.002+08:00

argh why do i have encounters with bad buys
ever so often
why
do things appear to be nicer than they actually are
do i have to be so indecisive, & yet end up with secondbest
maybe its just me
to spend, but not get my money's worth
then realise 10 bucks more could have easily brought more satisfaction.

nice bags,cool shoes, pretty clothes. so near yet so far.

2008-03-01T18:03:00.003+08:00

well well, it was the wrong bag after all.
guess my memory's kinda failing me.
so it was GREEN actually.
a green volcom one which was only $54
but was way too huge, so we bid it goodbye.
then came a pink puma one, at a cool $55.
(i just had to say that) i hated pink.
so it meant a trip down to bugis, where we ended up with
a white lastpiece billabong..
which was all too flimsy and dirty.
for the record, we changed it and poof! now we have
a red one, not in canvas, but cloth.
i guess i've to learn to be more accomadating
and less picky next time :(
anyhow, its nice but i guess it wasn't your best buy.
how fickle can humans be?

2008-02-25T20:43:00.002+08:00

jae2008 means no more playtime. no more dozing off, no more ponning.
well well, especially with a supposedly 'heavy' cobmbi of bcme.
yes, so i've made my choice, bio over geog, and i'm pretty sure its a God-led one.
at least i didn't doze off like i used to during confusing geoglectures.
sad to say, its also goodbye to 1aa1, and hello 1sc_.
for now, its more mugging days ahead..

new term means new bag shoes jeans , why can't we ever stop?

2008-02-12T18:31:00.000+08:00

soon within reach, i hope (:

now i know
the voices in your head aren't the only ones to shut out.
voices of those around you can be pretty distracting too.
Question of the day (and weeks actually)
who do you listen to? what do you listen too?
cause i've heard about
chemistry being a smooth ride that tortures
biology being a livesaver and a killer
literature being fun but such a chore.

same old feeling again- can't wait, but can wait.hope to, but don't want to.

2008-01-29T17:01:00.001+08:00

alright, i shall stop the sad and moody posts
nothing really much actually,
just trying to nurture my poetic flair (:
change, after all
starts with me

argh the troubles of first-one- month
1)creates confusion over subject combinations
2)makes you start to love your class, though you probably won't even stay there
3)steals your extra sleep from you

all i know now, is Trust.

2008-01-23T11:07:00.000+08:00

one silent decade.
naturally
memories no longer sustain.
i know , people change.
people come, and people go.
i've heard, nothing is constant
only change is.
but why the pain?
though it's getting better by the day,
i still wonder, if
"everything's going to be ok"
i'm sorry if i don't
laugh
love as much
care enough
the familiar feeling's gone
and it's not easy facing them anymore
i guess its wrong to
blame, and lie
but can't you see through my eyes?

2008-01-07T19:45:00.000+08:00

initial feelings of immense
gratefulness, joy and hope
then fear slowly crept in
joined by tinges of sadness,longing and yet again, hope
one night was supposed to change it all
or so i thought.
strange,
still some sense of restlessness
but i guess hope still remains.
why?
because i place my hope in Him
because i'll learn , and try to trust.

still can't let go of those bright and gay memories
but at least we've got one another, (and i'm glad my og's rather nice)

2007-12-10T19:08:00.000+08:00

sitting and staring at calenders for 8 hours really spells boring, or rather, monotonous.
but considering its an easy job (inserting wires, stacking sheets) with 4.50/ hr pay, it's quite a good deal. but it was funny seeing every one nearly half dead and not talking to each other for once. wonder how people can actually do this every day
suddenly, i miss hk - the shopping, food, carefree atmosphere.. not the time when i fell terribly sick though :( made me swear off luncheon meat noodles for one week man.
i even miss the rainy afternoons spent sleeping/slacking in class chalet.
i'm starting to miss school too, for once
as they say, letting go is really never easy.

2007-11-24T14:02:00.000+08:00

blow wind blow and the Os were really swept away
so quickly, it didn't feel real at all.
immediately jampacked with council chalet, farewell.
church camp wasn't at all bad too! loved my wonderful group (:
man, it was really five nights straight- away from home
SLEEPOVER WAS FUN (oops though i skipped first night)
sentosa suntanning + night movie = great mix
off to hongkong/macau on the 26th, then back to class chalet.
anyone has a ready- to- go packed suitcase ?

2007-11-06T11:13:00.000+08:00

its been long,
and i'm grateful we've come this far
more of hopeful actually; trying to trust.
on the other hand, the feeling of being free is really really real.
can't explain it, can't believe we did it
oh yes i love my new hair too - record time of 3hour haircut!

2007-10-04T18:36:00.000+08:00

Everything starts to fit, just when we want to
hit the last note,
sing our last songs
say the last goodbyes
As they say, all good things come to an end.
On the bright side, i'm glad to have come thus far..

2007-09-02T18:07:00.000+08:00

Dear God
why do i walk out of exam halls feeling happy
then having to realise my stupid mistakes &
my off-centre readings?
why do i feel sad on sunny sundays
when i know its wrong.
why don't i feel any love
when you say we are a family of love?
when i try to love but
it hurts so bad.

urgh it really feels bad to be doing this all over again.
Jesus i know you're there, but i need to hear you answer.

2007-08-28T12:26:00.001+08:00

Sometimes when all else fails
(even though you've tried so hard)
or you think you have,
just try a little harder.

2007-08-20T22:04:00.000+08:00

lights will guide you home

so no fear- and goodbye for now.

2007-07-06T17:43:00.000+08:00

SpOpenHse was not bad, kinda widened my choices a little. still, pretty much undecided on what to do. all my preferences are neither here nor there, so jc seems like the logical way out. but i'd still have to make a choice btwn arts/sci, & i guess i just hate making choices like these. always make me wonder what my 3sciences can actually do for me next time. on another note though, call me a late bloomer or whatever, but i've only started to discover the wide world or teenangst/bottled up feelings
#1 try that on me, but i'm sorry it won't work on me
#2 i don't like it either
#3 do you ever know what its like to be ______'s kid? it just piles up the pressure on me
#4 ok, maybe its just me being too hard on myself

still still still, its hard to actually find someone you can share with. its like you've been away for 2weeks and boom bang, people change & everything's far away.

2007-06-04T15:26:00.000+08:00

well, we're all back from SL trips and we've def got very different stories to tell. this is my bit, for myself. malacca isn't very far so my story's probably less exciting than the others'. still, its the people in each story that writes each story. and i'm glad for the people in mine, who have made it surprisingly fun, and funny. i'm lazy to elaborate, and partly beacuse of the huge hw pile. so i'll just say that
i'm thankful for the old friends who were always there
i'm thankful for the new friends who made me laugh & taught me many things
i'm thankful for the cute little kids @ school
i'm thankful for the little shopping we did- at least we had $ to actually spare
i'm thankful for the meals in aircon places, though i didn't actually eat
i'm thankful that He healed my fever, though i was left with a hoarse voice
i'm thankful for the teachers who really cared.

2007-05-19T19:19:00.000+08:00

its been one month, maybe more than that actually.so the MYE's gone, post MYE fun's gone, worry free days- long gone. it feels weird after not typing for such a long time, that i really don't know how to go on.so as usual i guess i'll do the usual self notes, since hardly anyone comes here now(yes, im gonna leave th tagboard like this!).

#1 : if you're not super smart, i'm sorry,you've got to work hard.
#2: for free music, there's always the radio
#3: why has my pig-out tendancy been brought to such a scary level
#4: and lastly, i'm really scared to leave school life for the big world out there :(

there are somethings i can't do without.

2007-03-26T17:33:00.000+08:00

Haphazard update yet again!
its over, and i'm glad we've conquered the gold. but sadly, i've finally understood why they say that life's unfair. it really hurt to see the senior girls' not getting what they deserved. yes though i didn't cry, ( yes its hard to make me ever cry, so i salute the person who can finally burst those floodgates!) my heart really sank. but i'm pretty sure these wonderful girls would pick up the pieces, move on and get what they deserve soon. anyhow, we've reached the finish line, but i don't feel like stopping. strangely, i feel lost without having to stay back virtually every day, without all the tears, laughter and lovely people. letting go seemed easy last week, but now its hard. now, reality's hitting hard - its back to the books & planning random stuff.
#1 : it's not your fault, its just me, really. i don't even know what im here for
#2: nydc's tiramisumudpie is supposed to have liquor but i can't taste it :(
i won't be back soon.

2007-03-14T10:27:00.000+08:00

today's gonna be homework day but thought i should just update though i don't really want to. anyways, this week's gonna be school filled AND food filled :( three nights of dinners, eek i feel like a pig! monday's dinner was fun, but i am never going to order coriander catch again. and somehow its rather nice to know actually, that people can be so different, yet so special in their ways. thank you guys for making monday night a happy happy time (: yesterday's dinner was just as nice though, with the usual penang food, and th usual fun. putting all the food behind me, i've come to realise that maybe the grass is really greener on the other side, and all it takes is one step from me.
long goodbyes.

2007-02-28T20:22:00.000+08:00

admist all the buzz, catch a special moment. so here i am.. blow blow cny's gone and awaaay :( thank God for school sometimes though - the friends laughter and even those bad bad days. pretty weird how i actually like this current state of things, no doubt they've pulled me far far away from the other things.. and seemingly important people like you, you, you and you. and those many more.. anyhow, im trying to get things going , so we'll see how it turns out then. till then, i think i'm on the verge of giving up the little things that made me smile like a foo(L) . pushing these silly thoughts way way behind. goodbye! continue updating your blogs, cause i wanna read em! (:

2007-02-17T09:10:00.000+08:00

For we know, your goodness endures throughout all generations;
your mercies never fail,
and your grace is ever sufficient.
That's why we praise you.

Happy cny holidays, happy homework doing!

2007-02-09T21:33:00.000+08:00

euphoria? that would be an exaggeration .. but relief? definitely. somehow feel i didn't deserve it, considering how we all slack in chinese. a2/d's sweet though a1 would have looked better.. but it was me bargaining with God again, so i guess that didn't work! Knew He wanted me to learn to settle for His best. There's life for you, always easier said than done. constant self talks of taking things in my stride didn't seem to work cause when it got to the crunch, i was stupidly scared. Now we're back, trying to move on and push the qingjingwen test far far away.

chinese group lunch strangely felt the nicest today. (:
seeyou all back at that table.

2007-02-03T18:54:00.000+08:00

yet another week, another saturday, sunday.. then monday. all we look forward to are the fridays -friday nights. week5 & four tests later, im feeling slightly better than the last time. although ss test was an (expected) letdown, with 11marks meaning we have to take restests. grr. and chinese p2 made me feel like handing up a blank sheet, though im very much crossing my fingers for next friday's results. valentines day, fundraising, cny come quick! i really need a time to pig out. can't help that i'm feeling very hungry, cold and tired these few days. but on the brighter side life always brings... we're done with our fancydrill steps (: but the bottomline still stays..

is it really you?
or maybe its just me..

2007-01-20T13:17:00.000+08:00

hoho, its been a long time since ive came here. ok, so its only been 2weeks, but so much has happened.each week's jam-packed, drill tests hw meetings and the cycle starts again. not that i hate it, but times like these always make me take a second look at my life. admist all the buzz, i've found the answers to my 'whys' .like the fact that maybe we're all just leading very different lives, such that when sundays come, we've got almost no need for each other. like the fact that maybe we're just so different, that things hardly work out & history keeps repeating itself. how many times have you said i 'promise' ? how many times have we sang the same tune? have you ever noticed the forced on smiles and tired out faces? have you even tried? till then, i wonder if i'll find someone who even understands.
anyways, its back to homework once again, thanks to the great influence of tanshusze, i shall resolve to make this schoolwork day !

go you, i know we can do it.

2007-01-06T20:00:00.000+08:00

genesis 07 ,what a journey.and it was great, to see things in different perspectives, working with different people..thanks too all who've given me so much (:
for now, we're back to hw, tests and all. goodbye 06, it was one of the best times of my life.
thanks to my Mr Sunshine, My Reason, My Saviour.

2006-12-27T19:59:00.000+08:00

so much for being genuine. still, i'm glad i've learnt. & hopefully someday things would work out cause
I'm holding on by letting go of you.

2006-12-16T13:47:00.000+08:00

what's there left for me to say? perhaps this anger's slowly leaving me, but bringing frustration to take its place. i've decided to and pretend nothing has ever happened - at least for the coming week that is. life always has its brighter side though, & thankfully fancydrill was quite good, except that i've been rather blur. till christmas time, it'll be the madrush to finish hw/ proposals.

hey you, spare the candy canes, i dont need them.

2006-12-10T15:51:00.000+08:00

bang the gang green gang? yes tell me about it, i would love to. sour grapes, you ask. i'm sorry try harder. its just this build up from many years of frustration which you probably haven't known about. and it really really makes me feel like such a terrible person each time the thoughts come.i've heard many many times that yes, it's wrong and maybe it was my fault. maybe its just me reading too deep. it hurts to think that maybe, it's just me.

2006-12-02T21:02:00.000+08:00

3days and 2nights later and i feel, you're out of sight. too much has already happened i guess, and a pity, i just wasn't there. we all know, its pretty obvious there's this great divide, and thanks alot, we just made it bigger. another 3 nights - 4th to 7th, well let the games begin.

hi self pity , you go away.
frustration & bitterness, you're my best friends

2006-11-28T14:04:00.000+08:00

aiwee just left. we tried to do geog proj which was rather good cause we found quite a bit of info, but the questions are really hard.ive got zero motivation to even start. off to camp tmr, yes again. i hate unpacking then packing again. but oh well, it doesn't hurt to be positive so i'll say that i think i'm really gonna enjoy this camp cause firstly its for kids, and i'm just helping. secondly, there's gonna be a nice bbq and a nice tshirt too! wow not exactly the finest things in life but, here i come..

2006-11-25T16:51:00.000+08:00

back from the string of camps. 4 nights at school turned out t be quite cool with all the crap and stuff.. far far away from all the homework eeew. currently seem to be living life out of a suitcase this month &the next time would be 29/11 to 1/12. three camps and surprisingly loads of fun and it feels weird to say this but i'm glad i went (:

how did we end up like this?
you broke your own bridge
dont expect me to break mine.

2006-11-10T19:24:00.000+08:00

i've got no more smiles to spare & i feel really bad about it. one part of me wants to just forget everything and start all over again. but it pains me to see just one hit wonders and so many misses. i guess it was part of my doing too & im really sorry , to have left them out in the deep blue sea. i'm just not myself today i guess & i hate to keep feeling like that. but another part of me just sees the need to tear out the smeared pages and not just keep starting on another fresh page. on a side note, im grateful for the small things in life. like people who wash cups with you. thanks pauline&shuyi & the twin.

2006-11-09T18:40:00.000+08:00

raging hormones & out of place emotions? tell me about it.
its hard to keep feeling this way. you want it & you think you have it, but you know you can't have your way.
deep down, i really think i want to be a psychologist/ sociologist. or is there a job for people t just sit down and analyse someone else's problems? having done that recently, i think its cool and i like it.

/hey you, i know you're just feeling real insecure

2006-11-01T21:50:00.000+08:00

its no surprise why im feeling so tired. facing the pile of holiday assignments.. i promised myself to really really get some studying done but its really hard to actually want to do it. its really tempting to waste each day away by playing playing playing , but i know for a fact that i can't. up next in twenty days, drilll camp, pioneer camp & council camp. and children's church camp soon after which i guess i have to help in. at least we can all take heart in the fact that pioneer camp's so nicely planned for us to have fun bonding, or rather slacking. i guess whats done's done. cant change anything more so i should just quit worrying about whether i've secured an A. As are just but another grade. but a grade i want badly cause i dont wanna lose something i've held on for 3 years. i just realised this place is rather dead and im getting bored of this life.

2006-10-21T15:08:00.000+08:00

a cold bath always works wonders, especially when your all covered in sand&flour. today was kinda fun but im too lazy to go into the details, anw thanks annabel (: oh noo im not gonna eat till dinner i hope cause i can feel my tummy peeking out already.

self notes.

- results are always unexpected
-since they can only either make or break you, no point fretting over it
-sometimes subjects that you stressed over may be the ones that give your As

- never walk with your eyes half open in the mornings. you might just bang into the wall and hurt your small toe
-Jesus really really really never fails .

2006-10-11T18:42:00.000+08:00

hormones are endocrine. one last random funfact about bio, and the rest i'll throw out of the window. no actually,we still need em for next year. yes yes exams are over. didnt find myself feeling terribly happy probably cause we're all so used to the crazy number of tests already. bio was a tad disappointing, so was physics. there go 2 sciences. but looking at it, there's really nth anyone can do so we can all just go play and pray tuesday comes slowly. surprisingly, didnt go to play much like we usually do after the exams. it was just lunch at SP that was fun fun (: haha cant rmb much but i know im never gonna eat fast food for another few more weeks. kfc gives me this sick feeling. id prefer subway anytime man. and so it was back home after that doing nth much but catching up with my square friend the tv. booorring
booooooring blogpost i know, dont know why im even putting it up. its just one of the 'after exam' reflex actions uhuh..

2006-09-26T18:43:00.001+08:00

wow its been long. and its gonna be another long wait till the eoys are up. drowning myself in the wonders of science math and ss . griping at useless subjects. singing along to silly songs. loving every min of freedom but wishing i didnt need so much of it. hoping i can catch up and finish this race. im scared but im scared cause im supposed to feel more scared. haha, currently done with transport in mammals, hoping to do respiration. emath seems to be killing me, need so much more practice. oh how i love doing trigo. chemical equations are fun, as are drawing ray digrams. geog/ss are still pretty hmmm. harmless at the moment. im sorry this crap must have bored you but its ok.
with these few days left its goodbye, i'll be going!

These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust

2006-09-26T18:43:00.000+08:00

2006-09-15T17:12:00.000+08:00

well, its been like one week!ok over and done with the holidays,imean study skills rather. pretty good, though i dont exactly feel like im going to start doing 1000 mindmaps right now. these things are always subjective actually i guess. with eoys coming im scared not so much over the fact that the papers might kill, but over the fact that ive barely started. only bits and pieces done here & there, havent really got down to clear the huge pile of doubts. it doesnt help that today's such a nice day to sleep in, and pig out with the sky high amt of snacks! arghh
its sad when you cant seem to cry
though you really need to.
hurts when the pain gets really deep
& you dont know what to do
crap, i dont know what im doing.
God please takeaway these feelings from me would you? though i very much wouldlnt mind to see somethings happen..